Perfectionism is a Killjoy
“Let me hang the washing out”, I say to my husband, increasingly worried when I see him not shaking out the pieces of clothing before he hangs them up. “Why, am I not doing it properly?”, he asks. “Well, I do it differently…”
Truth is, I like to have control over how the washing hangs on the line. Ridiculous, I know. Does it really matter how the towels are pegged up? Or if there are crinkles at the top of the t-shirt because of the way my husband pegs them up, compared to my way?
No, it doesn’t matter. But it makes me feel in control. And control gives certainty and that is how us humans like to go through life. Because the opposite of control is surrender. And when we surrender, we give our power away. Even if it is just about how the washing hangs on the line.
Perfectionism is a learned behaviour: I was probably praised for doing things a certain way when I was little; there would have been an expectation to “do it right”, and my parents would have modelled perfectionism. Those lessons stick.
I remained doing things 100%: When I studied, I’d over-study. I got great marks because my expectations on myself were high. When I worked, I over-worked. When I hang the washing out, I do it perfectly.
You might ask, ‘what’s wrong with that?’, “Isn’t it good to have high standards?”, “You achieve a lot when you set the bar high”. All of that is true! High achievers are often perfectionists, and perfectionists can achieve high. But the costs can be quite high, too.
When I saw my husband’s face there next to the washing line, after questioning his hanging-up-the-washing skills, I realised that my perfectionism impacts him, too. He pointed out, quite rightly, that he was 54 years old and quite capable of hanging up washing. Besides, me trying to take over with the washing not only makes him feel like I am not trusting him, but it also means that I take on more tasks, which him and I share equally.
The effect: I increase my workload by taking on task after task after task that I feel only I can do properly. And that is just household stuff. Imagine the pattern translating to work, childcare, organising travel, everything! No wonder we get stressed.
That need to be in control, and having to do things a certain way, creates tension and stress. It takes away from giving attention to things we enjoy. It prevents us leaning in, and just being. Perfectionism is a killjoy!
So here’s an idea: Let the washing hang on the line crinkly. And the way the dishwasher is stacked? Let it be. Who cares!
Instead, lets focus on the things that really matter: Time with our loved ones, having fun, laughing with our friends, spending time doing things that give us that light feeling, that makes us feel alive. Let’s slow down, grow something, and enjoy the process.