New Year, New (Same Old) Me!

Don’t you love those headlines of “new year, new me”, “make January the time to re-design your life”, “celebrities’ top 10 NY’s resolutions”, “20 ways to shed those holiday kilos”, “how to be a better You”, “join the 5am run club” etc etc.

For lots of people the new year is a great opportunity to start a new chapter, to set goals for themselves, things they might like to address or achieve.

Nothing wrong with that! In fact, goal setting can be really beneficial for our personal growth.

But here’s the thing (sorry for bursting your bubble): Most NY resolutions fail by about week 3. That’s mid-January.

 Why?

Three main reasons:

1)    Our goals are unrealistic,

2)    they might clash with our values

3)    and changes to get there are not practical and inconvenient.

What does that mean? 

Well, it’s great to start the year off on a high (in terms of motivation-high, I mean). We might have just celebrated Christmas, New Year’s, enjoyed lots of boozy get-togethers, parties… and so your NY resolution might be “no more alcohol, ever!”. Or, “I am gonna cut out sugar, completely”, and the probably most common one “I am going to get in shape / fit / lose weight”.

That makes sense, after a period of over-indulgence to think of ways to perhaps get (back to) a healthier lifestyle. Yet often our resolutions in those contexts are too radical, and too big to maintain.

Does this sounds familiar?

This morning I overheard two women, probably in their late20’s / early 30’s, talk at the supermarket: “Well, I am gonna go to the gym every day, like every workday, this year”. “Oh wow, that’s amazing”, the other friend said, “but Lara, I thought you hate the gym?” “Yeah, I kinda do, but I am gonna learn to love it”.

Now here we’ve got an example of both 1) and 2), unrealistic goals and a clash with values (Lara hates the gym) – double whammy! Going to the gym every day is probably unrealistic for most of us, with work and family and social and household commitments.

Here is where the issue around convenience and practicality comes in:

If the gym is some distance away from your house or workplace, and you have to commute before or after work or dropping the kids off to school, it would be hard to fit in a trip to the gym as well. Unless you go at night-time, but then it might impact your sleep or time with the family. Or you go super early in the morning. That’s fine, of course, but doing that every day of the week you’d feel pretty exhausted by mid-week if you are not used to this type of routine.

The second issue here is, as the friend pointed out, “Lara, I thought you hate the gym?” Can you imagine what a drag it would be, sticking to a resolution that’s super hard to implement in the day, especially if you don’t even like the gym? The effort and energy required would be immense.

It's something I hear a lot in my clinical practice:

We might set ourselves goals based on what perhaps pop-culture or society prescribes as “the way to live”. So in Lara’s case, she might be holding a belief around “If you want to be sexy and trim, go to the gym!” Gym = fit = beautiful. What she misses is that she is actually creating more stress for herself – which will likely backfire! Her goals are unrealistic (every day), clash with her values (she hates the gym), possible impractical, and she is not clear on her needs underlying her goals.

This leads us to the another important point to consider:

New year’s resolutions fail if we are unclear on why we actually set them. Why does Lara want to go to the gym? There can be lots of reasons: She might want to get fit, prepare for a fun run later in the year, lose weight, get “in shape”, meet new people, learn something new, “look good” (the ‘fit and trim’ belief I mentioned earlier).

 If Lara could identify more clearly what she needs, she’d be much better able to set specific goals and fine-tune a routine that is workable. Say, for example, if Lara wants to go to the gym “every day to lose weight” it might be more helpful for her to take a moment to reflect, and firstly ask herself “why do I want to lose weight?”

Maybe her doctor advised that weight loss would be helpful for her overall health.  Then she could work on a sustainable plan, perhaps with the support of an exercise physiologist, a personal trainer, or someone to support her on her journey.  

Sometimes underlying needs can pin-point to issues that might require more of a mindset shift. Say Lara’s reason for wanting to lose weight is that she feels uncomfortable in her body. She is not sure exactly why, but she often doesn’t like her body, the way she looks and how her clothes fit. So in her mind, the way to “feel better” is to go to the gym every day.

But unfortunately, especially as she doesn’t like the gym, that will most likely just reinforce her disconnect from her body. And sooner or later she will probably stop going to the gym altogether, feel disappointed in herself, and probably feel more uncomfortable in her body (and mind).

Lara, if you are reading this, here’s an idea:
If you want sustainable change, try this:

·      Take a moment using mindful awareness (check my website for info on this) and actually check in with what you need.

o   What does your body need? (Perhaps some gentle movement? Some rest? Some acceptance of the way it looks, maybe even appreciation of what it does?)

o   What is your mind telling you? (Perhaps your mind says “I don’t like how I am feeling. I want to move my body a bit more. I used to love walking in nature”).

·      Revisit your original resolution (“going to the gym every day”) and see how you could implement what you learned from your mindful awareness check-in to change your mindset.

·      Maybe you could shift your resolution to a more helpful mindset around “I want to move my body a bit more”.

·      And “I want to move my body a bit more” could translate into an achievable plan

·      Then make your goals 1) more realistic and achievable, and 2) more aligned to your values, and make it specific: “every day I will set aside 20 to 30mins to move my body in a way that feels good”.

·      Some days, that might mean going to the gym, even for an hour or more. Some days you might like to do some gentle stretching, just to lengthen those muscles and relax any tension. Some days you might feel like dancing in the loungeroom to your favourite Taylor Swift song, or swimming and playing at the beach with your little niece.  

The result?

Sustainable, much more balanced mindset, and much more positive body & mind connection.

That will show from the inside out. All the best, Lara!