Stop comparing yourself to your (fake) friends!
We all do it! In fact, it has been suggested by researchers that we are born with the tendency to compare ourselves to others (e.g. Festinger 1954).
And that is for good reasons: Comparing how we are faring in life gives us an understanding of our social standing. And that can give us important data when it comes to guidance in life.
There are two main types of social comparison, upward and downward. Upward comparison is when we look to others and see them, their successes, their lives, the way they do things as superior to us. Downward comparison on the other hand means we are looking down to others, seeing ourselves, what we do, our lives as better or superior. Not surprisingly, research found upward social comparisons as linked to negate emotions (like envy, jealousy, sadness, even anxiety).
The thing is, that now with the omnipresence and easy accessibility of social networking sites (SNS), we can access information about other people’s lives at the tip of our fingers, 24hrs a day.
Did you know, more than half of the world now uses social media (62.6%)
And we use it on average 2 hrs and 23minutes a day (according to market research company GWI).
That is a lot of time spent seeing what other people do, who they hang out with, what they are eating, and all the cool places in the world they are visiting (well, according to their social media profiles, anyway).
Not only can that get overwhelming, but it can also lead to a range of negative feelings, such as anger, depression, envy and jealousy.
Several factors have been identified as important mediators in social comparisons online and impacting our mood:
One of those is whether you have a high social comparison orientation or not.
What does that mean? Well, some people are just happy in their own skin or their own life bubble, others are more competitive and seek out data or information about others more frequently. The latter indicating highersocial comparison.
Also, the more you use social media, the more likely you are to experience what psychologists call “cognitive overload”. That’s when your mind is overwhelmed by all the information flooding in, and your brain has to make sense of too much data. A bit like a computer being at storage capacity.
But there are differences in how we consume social media that mediate its effects:
Research found that people who predominantly passively engage on SNS (say by scrolling through insta or Facebook without commenting or posting themselves), and who also have a higher tendency to social comparison, are more likely to experience negative emotions.
Also, passively scrolling through people’s SNS who we perceive as more attractive than us can lead to perceiving ourselves more negatively. So all those fitness inspirational people you are following online, well, you might not be too motivated after all…
Although the thing is, we tend to envy those a lot more who are more similar to us. That means, this upward comparison is really more prominent towards online acquaintances or friends (you know, those FB friends who are really not that type of friend you’d call on in the middle of the night to help you through a breakup. More like the ‘making up numbers kinda FB friends…).
And how does self esteem fit into all of this?
Well, when we compare ourselves more negatively to others, envy our FB friends’ for their glamorous lives and their success, wealth or status that we would love to have, that can impact our self-esteem. BUT, that is only if we already have low self-esteem to begin with, if we tend to have a higher comparison orientation, and kinda keep scrolling passively.
So what can we do?
Just like with every psychological and physical phenomenon, awareness is always the first step!
Tip #1: Use mindful awareness to check in with how you are feeling!
Are you noticing your mood declining when you’ve been on SNS? Maybe you find yourself a bit down, maybe you get that envious feeling in your gut and your stomach, or you become snappy at your partner for not taking out the rubbish, when your friends are boasting about everything their husbands do, maybe there’s a bit of social comparison going on that is not too helpful.
Tip #2: Limit your social media use!
Disable notifications and turn your devices on sleep mode when you are spending time with those who really matter to you. Give them your time and your presence, invest in relationships and friendships that are mutual and reciprocated.
Set your devices on aeroplane mode at nighttime! Not only will that help limit your use of social media, but you will also most likely sleep better too.
Tip #3: Use social media mindfully!
Research found passive SNS use to be linked to negative emotions, but active engagement not so much. So, if you cannot prise yourself away from FB and Insta, perhaps see if you can post something productive, helpful, or engage with your friends and followers, rather than just scrolling and envying.
Tip #4: Choose your platform!
There is some research that suggests FB is more linked to negative upward comparisons than Insta. Possibly because Insta does not require a reciprocal connection. That means, I can follow a celebrity on Insta, perhaps get a glimpse of their glamorous life, but I kinda know that it’s all fake anyway. Which I might not really grasp when I see the life of my high school acquaintance, who has gone on to become this successful business person, traveling first class and seeing the world.
Tip #5: Work on your self-esteem!
It’s like building a muscle, or strengthening your core, so that you can withstand those tempting upward comparisons.
How?
· Remind yourself of your achievements, your strengths, your values.
· Remind yourself what’s important to you. If you feel particularly triggered or emotionally challenged by certain posts, check whether maybe that’s related to an unmet need that you could meet.
Say if I see a friend being congratulated on their new business, at a time when I feel so stuck in my job, then maybe this could be a helpful way of checking in with what I want. Maybe that gives me the necessary impetus to reconsider my own job and career.
· If you notice that you are feeling a bit down, maybe when seeing how much fun everyone had at this party last weekend, perhaps it indicates the need to put more time and effort into your social life.
· If you are feeling a bit low, a bit vulnerable, why not express how you feel to your real friends! I mean, in real life. Those who would help you through a break-up or look after your dog when you are going on holidays.
· You could say something like, “Ugh, I’ve been seeing everyone getting married, having kids, everyone looks so beautiful, and what do I have. I mean really, can you perhaps tell me a couple of nice things about myself?”
Yes, you can ask real friends to help you strengthen that self-esteem muscle. You would do that for your friends too, wouldn’t you?
I would, because I know what I love about my friends, and how much I enjoy having them in my life. And I like reminding them of that, occasionally. Because we can all feel a bit low sometimes and get caught up in the social comparison trap.
References:
Buunk, A. P., and Gibbons, F. X. (2006). “Social comparison orientation: a new perspective on those who do and those who do not compare with others,” in Social Comparison and Social Psychology: Understanding Cognition, Intergroup Relations, and Culture, ed. S. Guimond (New York, NY: Cambridge University Press).
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Hum. Relat. 7, 117–140. doi: 10.1177/001872675400700202
Krasnova, H., Wenninger, H., Widjaja, T., and Buxmann, P. (2013). “Envy on Facebook: a hidden threat to users’ life satisfaction?,” in Proceedings of the 11th International Conference on Wirtschaftsinformatik, Leipzig, 1–16.
Wang, J. L., Wang, H. Z., Gaskin, J., & Hawk, S. (2017). The Mediating Roles of Upward Social Comparison and Self-esteem and the Moderating Role of Social Comparison Orientation in the Association between Social Networking Site Usage and Subjective Well-Being. Front. Psychol., 8, 771. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00771